10 Minutes of Dogma

There is no deep meaning behind this piece. I had to write a 10 minute play for school, and this is what my somewhat warped brain came up with. It made my family laugh, primarily because they maintain I *nail* my dogs ‘voices’.

(The curtain rises on a nearly empty stage. The only things visible are a reddish-brown boxer-bull mastiff, a pork loin, and a black Great Dane.)

Macky: (the boxer, his voice rough and gravelly) I’m the oldest, I should get it.

Bean: (the young Dane) I’m tallest. Besides, you ate the last one!

Macky: (shakes his head) No, I’m pretty sure that was you.

Bean: I was framed!

Macky: How could I frame you? You’re faster, taller and the perfect idio…I mean the perfect, uh, height!

(Bean bares his teeth): I knew there was a reason I couldn’t trust you! You set me up! Do you know what they did to me?? I had to eat half rations for a whole day!

Macky: (sneezing) You’re not starving! Now hand over the loin.

(Macky inches forward, head down.)

(Bean shakes his head. Strings of slobber fly everywhere.) Not a chance! I got this fair and square, off the kitchen table. Find your own food!

Macky: (whining) But my food is crunchy and my teeth are broken. That loin looks soft and squishy.

Bean: Too bad. It’s mine.

Macky: When did you get so mean?

Bean (growls briefly) When I learned you framed me! Why would you do that? I thought we were friends!

Macky: Friends? We’re not friends. You bark at me when I lay on your blanket, or in the hallway, or when I lie down outside! You’re a pest of epic proportions!

(Bean’s ears go back against his head): So…you really don’t like me?

Macky (ears perk): I’d like you better if you’d share that loin…

Bean: I knew it! (pushes the loin back between his paws with his muzzle)

Macky: It’s huge! There’s more than enough for both of us!

Bean (blinking slowly): I think your brain is fried. I’m 145 lbs, Mac. I heard them say so. This loin is barely a treat.

Macky (a single string of drool falling to the floor): Then there’s no reason for you to eat it in the first place. Besides… it’ll probably upset your stomach, anyway.

Bean: What do you mean? My stomach’s fine.

Macky (sneezing again): Then your nose doesn’t work properly, ‘cause those after dinner plates you get to lick make you *stink*.

Bean (getting defensive): And when’s the last time you got a bath??

Macky: They don’t need to bathe me as much ‘cause I don’t have fleas.

Bean: Yeah. Right. The fleas only like me. That’s why you scratch all the time.

Macky: You’re getting off point. Now…what about that loin?

Bean (looking innocent): What about it?

Macky (sighs): Share the pork, B.

Bean: But…it’s mine. I earned it.

Macky: You earned the pork? Are you telling me they wouldn’t be mad if they knew you’d swiped it?

Bean (ears down): Well…

Macky: You know they’ll know it’s you. Dog, you’re the only one here tall enough to snag it.

Bean: Now I know that’s not true. I overheard them once talking and laughing about the time you ate an entire five pounder! All by yourself! And that was before I even arrived!

Macky (shifting from paw to paw): That was a long time ago. I’m older now.

Bean: But not particularly wiser, since you’re willing to try it again.

Macky: If we split it, it’ll be 2.5 lbs apiece. That wouldn’t be nearly as painful as the 5 lbs was.

Bean (licking his muzzle): If I do this, I can’t be the only one taking the blame. You have to take your fair share, too.

Macky: Oh, I’ll take my fair share, all right.

Bean: Of the blame, not just the loin!

Macky (eyeing the pork): Yeah, right. The blame. Of course.

Bean: How’re we gonna split it in half? It’s not like we have hands.

Macky: I could always eat my half first, then give you the other half.

(Bean shakes his head): Nuh-uh. I’m not stupid. You’ll eat it all!

Macky: I wouldn’t do that…

Bean: Oh yes, you would. I’ve seen how you eat; like it’s the end of the world and they’ll never feed you again! You don’t take your time to actually enjoy the flavors. You guzzle.

Macky: It’s not my fault! You’d eat like that too if you’d been raised the way I was! You got lucky. They rescued you as a puppy. I was already full grown. My eating habits were set.

Bean: That’s an excuse. I know your food was stolen when you were a pup, but who’s gonna take it now? Me? I can’t reach your bowl; it’s too low to the ground! Nah, I think you just like eating.

Macky (defensive): So I like food, so what?

Bean: So that might explain why you look like a sausage with legs.

(Macky growls): I do not!

Bean: Well, maybe not exactly like that, but you’re not skinny, either.

Macky: Moron. Do you even remember what breeds I am? I’m naturally muscular.

Bean: Why’re we fighting again?

Macky: Look down.

Bean: Oh yeah. The pork.

Macky: If you don’t eat it, they’ll find it and then you’ll really be in trouble. With nothing to show for it.

Bean: Isn’t that the point? To have nothing to show them?

Macky (shakes his head): I guess you’re not as stupid as I thought.

Bean: Gee, thanks. Does this mean we can be friends?

Macky: I dunno. Does this mean you’ll stop barking at me incessantly?

Bean: You deserve it, you know. You lie on my blankie, you sleep in the middle of the hall and then you take naps right outside the dog door.

Macky: You remember that you’re tall, right? You can step right over me, no problem. You have two blankies. I don’t see why I can’t have one. You’re younger than I am. My bones ache at night. I need the extra comfort.

Bean: I guess…but that doesn’t explain the dog door.

Macky: I like keeping my options open. If I sleep there, then decide I need to go back inside for anything, I don’t have that far to walk.

Bean: But I can’t go outside to pee!

Macky: You’re not a puppy. You can hold it.

Bean: That’s not the point. I shouldn’t have to hold it! That’s why they installed the dog door in the first place! So we could pee whenever we need to!

Macky: Fine. If you share the loin with me, I promise not to sleep directly in front of the dog door. Does that sound fair enough?

Bean (backing away from the loin): That sounds good. Now, how’re we gonna split this in half again?

(The curtain drops on the two dogs, still staring at the 5 lb pork loin in the center of the stage.)



1 Comment

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One response to “10 Minutes of Dogma

  1. LOVED it!! lol …I could so see them!!!

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