I’ve spent the last two weeks in self contemplation, and the revelations coming out of that have been amazing. For one, I’ve quite simply grown sick and tired unto death of pretense of any kind. It’s bullshit, plain, pure and simple. I know it’s human nature to delude not only others, but ourselves as well, if we’re not as happy with our lives as we think we should be. But it’s wearing.
I’m not twelve, or fifteen, or even twenty-one. There’s no-one to impress. I’m not looking for a boyfriend, a best friend or anyone else who is going to pat me on the head and tell me what they think I want to hear. I want real friendships. I want people who, when they say they’ll do something, they damn well follow through — or let me know why they can’t… not just spout excuse after excuse after excuse. My friends — friends as opposed to acquaintances — know that my heart is easily bruised and even more easily broken by careless words, or careless actions.
But sometimes I walk away. I shut the door to my heart and my friends understand I’m one of those people who truly need space from time to time. And that doesn’t mean they’ve done anything wrong. It just means I need to re-balance myself. Life gets overwhelming, and I’m not talking about the day to day. I can literally get ill if I can’t shut the world out occasionally.
I’ve noticed, now that I’m more involved in social media, that Facebook makes great liars of people. After all, you can be anyone you want on a social media. How will anyone know differently, unless you let them inside your life? I don’t have to admit, on Facebook, that we’re jobless again (I did, but I didn’t have to), or that sometimes I just want to lie in bed all day with my stuffed bunny, watching t.v. I can be the ultimate wife or mother and just post ‘happy family’ bullshit all day long.
I’m done with pretense. I am who I am. I’ve burned a few bridges during the course of my life. Some of them have hurt greatly, but all of them have been necessary to my inner peace, even if it didn’t feel that way at the time.
I drink, I swear, I’ve partied more than I should have; it’s only by the Grace of God I’m still alive (yes, there is a great deal I’m not sharing). I am me, and it is my choice to say ‘I refuse to have falseness in my life. Do what you want elsewhere, but I’m damn done.’